The Role of Unconscious Desires in Relationships: What Psychodynamic Therapy Can Reveal

By the Editorial Team · Published 2026-10-13 · Clinical review pending

Short answer: Unconscious desires are wishes, fears and expectations that influence us without our full awareness. In relationships they show up as repeated partner “types”, familiar fights and reactions that feel bigger than the situation. Psychodynamic therapy works by noticing these patterns and connecting them to earlier experience so they become choices instead of reflexes.

What “unconscious” means today

Modern psychology no longer pictures the unconscious only in Freud’s terms. Researchers such as John Bargh have shown that much everyday behaviour (goals, preferences, social judgements) is shaped by processes we are not aware of in the moment. In relationships, this helps explain why we can know something is bad for us and still feel pulled toward it.

How unconscious desires show up

Partner “types.” Repeatedly choosing people who are unavailable, critical or in need of rescue. Compare loving someone for their potential.
The same fight in new clothes. Different topics, identical emotional script.
Outsized reactions. A late text triggers panic or fury that seems out of proportion.
Self-sabotage just as things become close.

Common hidden motives

A wish to finally win the approval of a parent-like figure.
A need to feel needed, protecting against fear of abandonment.
A wish for closeness alongside a fear of being engulfed.
Loyalty to family patterns, even painful ones. See family roles in adult relationships.

What psychodynamic therapy does

Psychodynamic therapy explores recurring themes, emotions people avoid, and the way past relationships colour present ones, including how they play out with the therapist. In a widely cited review, Jonathan Shedler reported that psychodynamic therapy showed effect sizes comparable to other evidence-based therapies, with benefits that tended to persist or grow after treatment ended.

Questions a therapist might explore

When have you felt this way before?
What do you imagine would happen if you didn’t react this way?
What does this partner give you that feels familiar?

Self-reflection to start with

List your last three significant relationships and what drew you in.
Note the feeling at the end of each. Is there a common thread?
Ask whether that feeling is familiar from childhood.

Reflection helps, but patterns that cause real distress are worth exploring with a licensed professional. Our Arizona resource guide explains how to find one, and the relationships hub collects related articles.

This article is for general education and is not a substitute for professional care. Clinical review by a licensed professional is pending; see our editorial policy.

References

Bargh, J. A., & Morsella, E. (2008). The unconscious mind. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 3(1), 73–79. doi.org/10.1111/j.1745-6916.2008.00064.x
Shedler, J. (2010). The efficacy of psychodynamic psychotherapy. American Psychologist, 65(2), 98–109. doi.org/10.1037/a0018378
Hazan, C., & Shaver, P. (1987). Romantic love conceptualized as an attachment process. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 52(3), 511–524. doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.52.3.511
NIMH: Help for mental illnesses www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help

Keep reading

Loving Someone for Their Potential
Why falling for who a partner could become leads to frustration, what research says about growth in relationships, and how to love the person in front of you.
Dissociation in Relationships
What dissociation is, how it shows up during conflict or intimacy, how partners can respond, and when to seek professional help.